Hot as (fill in the blank)

Summer in Japan is hot. There’s no central heat and air in most buildings and homes, and the locals seem to believe that complaining about the heat is all the soothing balm you need to weather the storm. Well, even though we all have slanty eyes, this asian (me) isn’t the kind to suffer without innovating. I asked for a fan and was given a little paper and plastic number that I had to wave back and forth in front of my face to fully utilize. However, this caused my arm to use energy and expend heat, which made me hot and also tired my arm out after a few hours. That’s not solving any problems. So I moved on to an electric fan. This worked well until they told me that I’d have to actually work and teach classes. I unplugged the fan and hauled it with me up and down the stairs to the different classes, but this also made me hot, which is the opposite of what I was going for. Now I’m stuck at a crossroads. I have several options to consider.

  • Get used to the heat. (f-that)
  • Hire a scantily clad female assistant to follow me around with a palm branch. (seems reasonable)
  • Force my students to construct large billows from paper-mâché and bits of their chairs and desks and then use them to create and artificial breeze wherever I go. (as long as I don’t pay them I don’t think it’d count as child labor)
  • Create a semi-intelligent robot that has an industrial sized fan installed in it’s chest that also serves as a wood chipper. (the robots will obey us as long as they don’t learn to love)
  • Cause another ice age (unfortunately that might be trademarked already by  20th Century Fox)
  • Continuously eat ice cream (there’s no such thing as too much dairy right?)
  • Have central air and heat installed in any building I plan to visit or work in or live in. (right after I have enough money to buy an xbox!)
  • Cover myself with mud. (works for elephants…)
Or just always wear a bikini… (someone get her a palm branch!!!)

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