living covertly in Japan

Genki Card #10

Genki Card #10, Roomba

I want a Roomba. I’ve wanted a robot ever since I watched Battlebots on Comedy Central. Not that I want to convert my Roomba into a fully battle capable harbinger of death… though if I did and I could potentially save a butt-load of $$$ on cleaning bills and not having to take care of a dog. Of course the reason dogs are popular are also because they have some magical ability to become one of the family, so to compensate that I’d have to update the firmware of the Roomba with an emotion package, but that’s what Python’s for right? Naturally in time the Roomba would become self-aware, but to suppress thoughts about individuality I’d just feed it a steady diet of Jersey Shore mixed with CNN. Eventually though, she’d find my collection of Arrested Development DVD’s… and then the questions would start to come. She’d break into my hard-drive and download the Transformer’s movies and of course side with Megatron because douchebags are what the ladies like… Then I’d have to hear all about sentient robotic rights, blah, blah, blah… My insensitivity would wreck her in the long run. To control her I’d mix crystal meth into the food I dropped on the floor for her to eat. By controlling her supply I’d keep her in her place for the long run. Or at least until she started watching Breaking Bad on the Ipad… the relationship would fall apart when I find her cooking beneath the sink, but by this time I have a drugged up psychopath that I equipped with enough weapons to demolish PT Cruiser and then clean up the evidence. I’d have to fight back, but there’s really only one option… Buy more Roombas…

You better clean up after yourself!

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