As my youtube channel grows and I grow more and more apathetic to the masses that fill my adsense account with tens of yen, I’ve stopped replying to comments left on my videos in a timely fashion. The positive comments I usually eventually say, “Thanks” or “lol” and the negative comments I ignore, but don’t remove because I believe in free speech. Maybe once every 3 months I get sucked into an argument in the comments just because I’m bored or I’ve found an extra stupid comment that the shred of integrity left to me can’t ignore.


Ultimately these arguments tend to end with the other person resorting to calling me names after I’ve deconstructed their position so the only thing they have to stand on are playground insults. That’s when you know you’ve won.

But it’s a hollow victory; like sand blasting a soup cracker or watching an anteater go toe-to-toe with single wood ant.

or an anteater-eater vs and anteater and an ant...
or an anteater-eater vs an anteater and an ant…

There have been 2 instances though where an agreement was actually reached between both sides. Both times those people were French, one a man, one a woman. Both times the arguments switched randomly from French to English. And both times there was no name calling.

I won’t argue with people on videos that aren’t my own, because I just don’t care enough. And I barely have time for my own channel as it is.

Usually, I don’t care enough even on my own videos…

Is France the only country with reasonable internet users?

As I've never been to France I'm assuming all French women look like this... her smile makes rainbows look dull...
As I’ve never been to France I’m assuming all French women look like this… her smile makes rainbows look dull… and I think she’s probably very reasonable…

Continue reading “#YouTubeArguments”

Fixing the problem.

I’m going to take a moment from my usual snide tomfoolery to talk about a sensitive subject. If you disagree with me and my reasonable viewpoints then let me know why. But please use a viable argument, using Mexico as an example of strict gun regulation will discount any argument you make based on common sense. I wrote this late last year, but didn’t post it at the time to see if when my head cooled if my opinions would change… they have not.

Giving up on Guns

I do not possess the words to adequately express my feelings from the past year. How do you describe feeling utter anguish for parents and family who lost loved ones, absolute unrelenting anger at one cowardly creature who preyed upon the most innocent and vulnerable among us, pride for the stories of bravery during and after the shooting, and the fear that sits in the pit of your stomach moving forward.

Say what you will about guns, there’s no reason for people to own assault rifles or be able to buy enough bullets to single handedly take over Finland… Why are those who are so fast to defend guns so quick to attack public healthcare? Shouldn’t it be easier to get healthcare (mental healthcare) included than it is to buy rifles at Walmart? Why does anyone need 3-5x more ammunition than a policeman carries with him?

I’m not calling for a ban on guns. I think it’s stupid though that our priorities don’t make sense. We need to become a better country, more educated, and more practical. Guns were very important for settlers as we needed them for food, defense against bears, and to steal the Native American’s land away from them.

But bear populations are in decline, refrigeration tech has made hunting far less important, and the Native population has been conquered and confined to casinos. Why are our laws not evolving with our technological innovations and sociological advancements? An assault rifle and hundreds of bullets is not the same as a musket that takes 8 minutes to reload…

We need to reduce the amount of guns in circulation. That’ll take a long long long time, but if we don’t start we won’t get better. We need more incentive programs for turning in unused weapons, stricter license regulations for people who want to own guns, and we need to change the mindset that where it makes to sense to treat guns like a “tool.”

People need to stop comparing guns to hammers saying that they’re both tools capable of killing. Unless you’re talking about a war hammer that can cast lightning bolts, saying assault rifles and hammers are both tools is like saying a tank and a Prius are both cars. Guns are designed to kill. They’re designed to make killing easier. You don’t rob a bank with a hammer when a gun is easy to get your hands on…

Be realistic. We need to reduce the amount of guns in America, but that won’t stop tragedies from happening. It won’t even reduce the incidents of violent gun crimes for a very long time probably. A lot of these shootings are with legally own guns that are stolen. But if we can make a shift as a country, from one where guns are considered common tools, to a country where guns are considered to be weapons designed to kill then it will eventually get better. At least I believe so.

It’s pretty fucking depressing when I hear people say teachers need to be armed to keep the schools safe… ignore how stupid it sounds to solve gun violence by giving guns to more people, just realize that you need to root out the issue at… well… the root. Treating the symptom and ignoring the cause is irresponsible.


*less guns in circulation
*stricter licenses and regulations
*no assault rifles
*lower bullet sales
*nation wide education and commitment that a 1st world country shouldn’t have these sort of 3rd world issues
*better mental healthcare, that is affordable and publicly available

It’s not a simple issue and there’s no simple solution. But I don’t see how what we’re doing right now is making things better.

One time I was helping shingle a house in Arkansas. We took of one layer of shingles only to find a second layer of singles. We took off that layer, only to find a 3rd layer… by the end of the day we took 5 layers of singles off that house. They kept re-shingling the house one on top of another. The roof was in bad repair. Tons of soggy rotten wood, entire sections that needed to be replaced. What we thought would be a simple job turned into a nightmare project with several tons of old shingle that had to be hauled to the dump, a roof that had to be rebuilt, and my friends having to persuade me from writing “FREE METH” on the roof for fun.

Stop Molesting My Movie Franchises, George Lucas #longestblogposttitleever

I’m not a film nut. I like some good movies (Good Will Hunting). I like some bad movies (Transformers). I’m all for the cool scifi stories (Star Trek), except when they get too political or hyped (Avatar) or their only purpose seems to be to destroy a great literary work (Starship Troopers). I love classic movies where the film is driven by the actor’s abilities to act (Casablanca) around a story worth hearing (Pride of the Yankees).

and how obscure your the songs on your ipod are...
and how obscure the songs on your ipod are…

Yuuk recorded the latest Indiana Jones movie for me. Here the movie is just called Indy Jones. I was skeptical and leery. Harrison Ford is an old man. Shia LeBeouf isn’t really the one I’d be looking to hand the hat and whip over to, he doesn’t exactly ooze masculinity, but that’s his fault for typically taking parts that humorize his immaturity or femininity. Plus Lucas’s latest attempts to revitalize his legendary stories haven’t exactly been the blue pill, (Viagra’s blue right?).

Yeah... Point Break is gonna be our savior... great...
Yeah… Point Break is gonna be our savior… great…

It was Yuuk’s first Indiana Jones flick as well. I told her she need to watch the original three, but she doesn’t always listen and here it burned both of us. Terrible movie, terrible story, terrible acting, terrible concept, terrible villians, terrible action sequences… I mentally checked out after Indy survives a nuclear bomb test in the opening scene by squeezing into a lead lined refrigerator and getting blasted a mile away. Pure crap, but now my theories that George Lucas used all the money he made back in the 70’s and 80’s on cocain and LSD are starting to look very plausible.

I'm waiting for Batman to beat up George Lucas...
I’m waiting for Batman to beat up George Lucas…

A lot of people have never even seen the original movies. It’s like George woke up one day from his booze and smack laced vacation he started back in the 90’s and realized he wanted to start making movies again. So he took a cold shower, drank some coffee, downed a few Oxycontin pills and got to it.

Steve Holt!
Steve Holt!

The mistake with the Star Wars trilogy was he mistook flashy for good. Or he wanted to dupe everyone into believing that flashy is good. Flashy has it’s good points, but the new CGI he got to play with produced Jar Jar Binks and pod racing. And I understand that the new movies were supposed to be directed more at kids, but couldn’t he have waited until the next set? I mean these movies are about the fall of a just civilization, an evil dictator coming to power, the genocide of the Jedi’s, and Aniken getting diced up to pieces to become Darth Vader. Darth Fucking Vader. That dude scared the crap out of me when I was little. He’s such a good sort of evil. Not really kid stuff.

I sense a great disturbance in The Force...
I sense a great disturbance in The Force…

I’m pretty heart broken over how it all turned out. I guess to a degree we all struggle to stay relevant as we become obsolete in an ever evolving world. Either we’re eccentric enough that we become living time capsules of sorts, or we just drift along in the great social river swept up along with the changing fashions (leg-warmers again?), music (am I the only one who doesn’t care they keep re-releasing remastered Beetles tracks?), and philosophies (progressivism is now bad? Hitler’s most dangerous qualities included his ability to empathize? [circa Glen Beck 2010]) It’s not bad that we go with the flow, it’s the natural way of things, and if you pay attention to history humanity as a whole sort of follows pretty set trends. I mean you can only call a horse by so many names before it’s just a fucking horse (but what color?).

I think it was a missed opportunity by Mr. Lucas. I don’t watch too many movies these days, but I’ll cross him off my list of directors. I waited around for his next movies like I still wait for J.D. Salinger’s next work (post humorously, now). But things that are good that try to change don’t really change in a good way it seems usually. At least not things like Star Wars and Dr. Jones.

My movie list:

    • The Royal Tenenbaums
    • Fight Club
    • Star Wars IV
    • Good Will Hunting
    • Bottle Rocket
    • Star Trek IV & VI
    • Snatch
    • Casablanca
    • Pride of the Yankees
    • Shane
    • 500 Days of Summer
    • The Maltese Falcon
    • Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
    • Lucky Number Slevin
    • Quantum of Solace

What’s yours?

May the force be with you.
May the force be with you.

Code Geass vs KONY2012

This contains spoilers… So if you’re interested in watching this anime then DON’T read this!

My wife’s cousin is a bit of a nerd and he’s the awesome kind of nerdy older relative that buys me game consoles and new video games, stops by once a week to drop off fresh issues of JUMP, burns me DVD’s of DBZ, and he’s always awake at late hours of the night so you can call him drunk and incoherent and he’ll cruise over in his Skyliner GT and pick you up.

He also tells me what animes he thinks I should be watching and what mangas he things I should read. Now our taste for such things differs ever so slightly. As a lit major in college I have trouble just appreciating stuff without over analyzing it in a pretentious condescending way. But that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy anime and manga.

I bring up my wife’s awesome older cousin because he made me watch an anime called Code Geass. This was way back in 2008… but I was reminded of it last week because of the KONY2012 movement that has taken the world by storm.


It wasn’t even that popular in Japan…

Code Geass is a depressing fucking story and the ending is kind of terrible (more on that later). But if you’re a fan of mecha and emo-level depression, then this might be for you. (Think Machiavelli meets Gundam meets Evangelion)

Have you ever noticed that if you add “ian” to any philosopher’s name and then use that word in conversation you come off as an a$$hole?

This is an anime set in a sort of parallel universe where the evil empire, Britannia, has rolled over Japan in the year 2010 and stripped the Japanese of pretty much all rights and freedoms. To top it off they’ve renamed Japan “Area 11” and the people are called “elevens.” (How that’s worse from being called Japan and Japanese, which are also not in the Nihongo lexicon, I don’t know)

The brown haired one is the Japanese kid…

The protagonist of this story is an anorexic exiled prince of Britannia with a tongue twister name: Lelouch Lamperouge (it’s even worse in Japanese, レレーシュ Lehlehhhshu). His father, Charles zi Britannia, is the evil douchebag running the show, and his mother was “murdered” some time ago. As a character he’s pretty well constructed, not an idiot, and a bit of a tragic hero, which I dug. He’s motivated by his desire to protect his sister Nunnally, who for most of the show is confined to a wheelchair and blind; trying to figure out what happened to his mother; and his intense desire to personally destroy his father and the empire of Britannia.

Story takes place in 2010, the weapons take place in 3010, and what the hell is up with that hair…

Lelouch and his sister live in Japan at a sort of boarding school for social elites and royal leftovers. On his way home in the first episode, Lelouche happens to meet up with a green haired witch girl who enters into some sort of “contract” with him which grants him the power of “geass.” There are several characters with geass and like snowflakes, no two geass are alike. I think they’re determined based off of the owners personal disposition or something like that.

And they have roller blading mobile suits!

Lelouch’s geass grants him the ability to command people to do whatever the hell he wants as long as he can come into direct eye contact with them. His first use of this power is ordering some Britannia soldiers that are trying to kill him to shoot themselves in the face while he watches.

Would be a very easy power to misuse..

Then, Lelouch hooks up with some resistant fighters called the Black Knights. He becomes the leader pretty much right away and adopts an alter ego named “ZERO” that is a mix of Darkwing Duck and Voldo’s mask when he’s wearing his really gay outfit.

You either die a hero… or…

There’s a lot of cool battles and one-on-one fights. The nightmare frames are updated more times than an Apple product so the action sequences manage to keep an edge without getting repetitive, plus the introduction of different and unique geass keeps things fresh. The geass are also not without weakness, which is a nice touch.

Now for some spoilers.

Continue reading “Code Geass vs KONY2012”

Tired of being Asian? Nope.

This photo is awesome and hilarious. And before anyone gets offended, it’s a photoshopped spoof of an actual billboard which was targeting homosexuals and lesbians, which, if you’re like me, is just as offensive, or if you’re an avid FOX news watcher then it’s just a political platform to support.

Photoshopped Asian version:
I tried prayer... didn't help back when I was a kid.
I tried to find a picture of the original, but this one looks doctored to me too... if anyone has a better photo please let me know!

It’s kind of funny, because when I was younger I very much didn’t want to be asian. Most of my idols were movie stars, athletes, and animated animals. I found out that as an asian male in all/mostly white churches I could never be Joseph in the nativity scenes.

We made great wise men and permissible shepherds...

The only movie roles asians seemed to get were ninjas, zero fighter pilots, old martial arts masters, and insane villains…

oh... and hot asian chicks.

And the baseball players I worshiped were every color but yellow… and that’s alright.

Were there times I wished I wasn’t asian growing up in America? Yes. Sometimes I wanted to peal my skin off, but what good would that do, then I’d be some skinless monster like something out of a Robbie Williams music video… and he had to go way way way too far to get the girl in that one.

But my parents were loving and supportive and any such inclinations were fleeting at most like my love of the recorder, pop rocks, or attempt to learn guitar. Which is why today I can honestly say, that picture is fucking hilarious, despite remembering my own unanswered prayers from a childhood, not so long ago.

5 Disturbing Animes

When I was a child it was forbidden for me to watch children’s shows with a lot of violence. This meant, no Power Rangers, no Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, no Thunder Cats, and no Marvel or DC comic based shows…

Somehow Darkwing Duck made the cut, along with Tail Spin, Rescue Rangers, and nature shows with lions ripping zebras apart.

I remember once watching a weasel kill and eat a bunch of baby rabbits while their mom was away…

I was actually home schooled for the better part of my elementary school years which means I learned enough before 7th grade to make me the smartest kid in the school until I graduated high school. When I was reintroduced to America’s public school system all the kids were using cool curse words, sagging their shorts like prison inmates who needed belts, and playing Pokémon on their cool Game Boy Advances.

I had a lot of catching up to do…

So to fit in, I unbuttoned the top button of my denim shorts so my pants could be in a perpetual kinetic state with my actual waist, learned how to cuss like sailor with Tourettes, and bought a used GB Pocket and a new copy of Pokémon (Red).

Pokémon was my first taste of Japanese culture outside of that one time my family went to a sushi restaurant in Kentucky and the origami I learned from watching Reading Rainbow. It was a little like a gateway drug. While I never watched the anime to go with the game I did wind up discovering afterschool anime on the Cartoon Network.

Butterfly in the sky!

When you got home from school you could watch Dragon Ball Z, Ruroni Kenshin, Yuyu Hakusho, and one or more of the Gundum spinoffs. This was the little secret my brother and I kept from our conservative mother, who would likely have frowned upon us watching aliens beating the crap out of each other, a high school delinquent hunting demons, and a man slayer trying to atone for his murderous past by wandering aimlessly like a lost good Samaritan.

In Japan, these sorts of shows are the norm. They almost all originated as a manga (mahn gah), a Japanese comic. These shows are insanely popular overseas in N. America, S. America, Europe, and other Asian countries. I’ve read dozens of them since moving to Japan in 2008 and watched a fair share of the animated versions as well. If you’re reading this chances are you stumbled upon it because like me you are a huge huge nerd, and even though it’s 2012, no, nerds are not cool or sexy, they’re still square…

maybe not totally square shaped, maybe a little round here and there…

But part of growing up is over analyzing stuff, because just pure enjoyment seems too juvenile. And looking now at some of the anime/manga that I love, or loved, or is popular today I noticed cracks of insanity start to appear…

5. Pokémon – a PETA field day

This is the only one on this list that the only knowledge I have of it is from playing the game version. I have not seen any of the anime or read any of the manga.

The game was all I ever needed…

So, let me get this straight. There are dangerous animals in the world. So in order to venture out into any place with grass, water, or caves you need your own collection of dangerous animals who are loyal to you seemingly only because a.) you own their ass, b.) they respect the merit badges c.) if you’re not pleased you can stick them in a tiny little red and white ball.

Translation, “Recognize bitch!”

There are three points to the game, a story line that with each version of the game differs ever so slightly, like Pocahontas > Dances with Wolves > Avatar; an RPG element that revolves on you hand picking a few of your very best Pokémon to train from cute little throw pillows to marauding battle creatures the size of gorillas, and the last is as some insane sort of collector as you scour the world to fill out your pokédex.

the adorable 20lb Squirtle eventually becomes an 189lb monster with a pair of inexplicable canons coming out of its shell

What kind of world do we live in where cute little characters grow up into monsters? What kind of message is that?

The really insane thing is those pokéballs fail all the fucking time when you’re trying to catch wild Pokémon. (The exception of course being the master ball, that without using the surfing cheat you’ll only have one of the entire game.)

Somehow once caught it is just assumed that your Pokémon will swear allegiance to you despite the fact that 90% of the time it’s either riding around in it’s tiny unstable pokéball or uploaded as data to your computer which I imagine is either like purgatory or TRON…

Idea for movie: Tron+The Matrix meets Japanese animation starring Kate Beckinsale wearing Princess Leia’s slave costume

So as you wander the world you encounter numerous different Pokémon. Some are as threatening as a goldfish, others are massive ferocious beasts with bodies ranging from, poison, ice, rock, magma, and dragon… I’m pretty sure every time you toss your Pokémon out as a Pokémon shield, it’s seriously contemplating turning on you and tearing you to shreds with all the nasty things you’ve taught it…


4. Anpanman – When Bread Flies

Batman is a billionaire psychopath who uses a bat motif to strike terror in he hearts of villains who are afraid of small flying rodents. Spiderman is a man who has mutant spider powers and a dry wit. Anpanman is a man made out of bean-filled bread.

This just screams super hero…

Anpan is bread filled with the Japanese sweet bean paste called anko, it’s like mixing sugar into refried beans. Kids love the stuff apparently, though knowing children even celery dipped in chocolate would appeal to them.

Anpanman came into being when Jamu Ojisan (Uncle Jam) was baking and a shooting star landed in his oven… Right…

Naturally, Anpanman can fly. He has super strength. He doesn’t need to eat as he’s made of bread filled with sweet protein. He is weak against water, (what bread isn’t?) and also when he gets dirty he loses his power much like the sexually ambiguous Captain Planet. When he stumbles on a hungry person or creature he let’s them eat his head.

You look hungry kiddo… here’s some of my face…

That’s right one of his super-duper abilities is breaking off pieces of his face to feed hungry people. Don’t worry! Because he can regenerate his visage after it’s been consumed. Wait… did I say regenerate? No, that’s not right. What happens is that old baker that baked him can bake him a new head, which can be taken to Anpanman’s headless, dirty, or water logged body to revive him.


So in the land of Anpanman there are discarded half-eaten heads of our hero just kind of scattered about like… like nothing… I can’t think of a similar analogy to a world filled with a hero’s half-eaten heads… I mean those things will rot right? They’ll mold over and animals will shred them and ants will be crawling all over the place… gross.

3. Rurouni Kenshin – Personality Disorder Hero

I love this anime, even when it deviated horribly from the original manga and featured what was possibly the silliest mixing of media ever to close out an animated series it’s still one of my top ten animes.

Yep, that’s live action with animation characters, a la Mary Poppins…

It follows the story of Kenshin Himura, who before he became a “rurouni” (wandering swordsman) he was a key architect of the new era in Japan. His former job was as the most feared assassin in the revolution where he earned the nickname of Battosai the Man Slayer by racking up a body count like Leonides mopping up Persians.

Hiten Mitsurugi sword style would have really helped the 300…

After the revolution, to atone for all the murdering he’d done in his past life he decided to wander around a while helping people with his sword when he could. Apparently he did pretty much all of his wandering before the first episode/chapter because, aside from day trips to the market, a quick trip to Kyoto to kill a mummy, and a pirate incident, Kenshin pretty much bases all of his operations out of Kaoru’s dojo.

Now the Japanese government doesn’t think that Kenshin hanging out as a cook for Kaoru’s dojo is a proper allocation of resources for their deadliest weapon and they spend a lot of time trying to get Kenshin to revert to his former murderous self. They’re not alone either. Other retired Samurai, a group of ninjas, and some European knights all try to convince Kenshin that he was really better the way he was back in the revolution–all for various nefarious purposes.

The thing is they succeed on more than one occasion and Kenshin goes bat-shit insane and only the fact that he uses a reverse blade sword keeps him from hacking people apart.

No instead he just wails on people with a thin piece of steel at speeds so great his swings creates vacuums… But that’s not lethal at all right?

So this is obviously a story of a split personality serial killer. Through most of the series he’s mild mannered goofy and calm as a Zen statue. Other times he looks like a deranged maniac that’s hungry for murder.

I’ll let you guess which is which…

He’s infinitely more useful in his deranged state, as initially he never really finished mastering his sword style, and instead just relied on his god-like speed combined with bloodlust. So when he’s peaceful-Kenshin he’s a sword master, but when he’s murderous Kenshin the difference between him and other samurai is like asking toddler to take down Jason Bourne.

Moral of the story, it’s good to try to pay for the wrongs you committed in life. But when it’s really necessary it’s fine to go bat shit crazy and cut up some mo fo’s…

2. Naruto – Like Mexican Cartels

Naruto started out well as a manga about ninjas. What’s more Japanese than a manga about ninjas? This story starts with the lead character failing to graduate from ninja academy, but then by foiling a traitor and saving his sensei’s life he earns the respect of the village leaders enough for them to rubber stamp his diploma.

Let’s get some gaping flaws in the whole story out of the way.

  • First, for a story about ninja’s, not many of the characters spend much time trying to be ninjaish… they spend lots of time yelling out the names of their attacks while running straight for their opponents, creating large explosions, floods, fires, tempests, and littering the ground with hundreds of shurikin. For christsake the main character wears bright orange which only trails the suit full of question marks in the ridiculous ninja garb department.
People like this is what reminded everyone how stupid the world was…
  • Second, one of the characters uses a 7-sword sword-style, which is just fucking stupid.
Killer Bee: You’ve got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?… // Me: Well, I’m kind of waiting for you to move… because I’m pretty sure you’ll drop six of those little knives when you do. And I’m pretty sure you’ll impale yourself at least twice in the process…
  • Third, half the time they rely on massive animals to fight their battles either with or for them, which brings us back to #5 on this list.
okay… so we have a toad with a katana, a giant cobra, and a slug getting squeezed to death… one of these is much much much less impressive
  • Fourth, the entire ninja world is at most only 100 years old… the 5th Hokage (village leader) is about 50 years old, and is the granddaughter of the 1st Hokage. She replaced the 3rd Hokage who is about the age her parents should have been and the 3rd Hokage was friends with the 1st and 2nd Hokages who it seems were about the same ages. They talk about the history of the ninja world and lost techniques and bloodline abilities, yet these things couldn’t have been missing for very long at all. Ninjas must count in dog years.

The single most disturbing fact about Naruto is the simple fact that it’s a show about children taught how to kill people. The better the child is at killing, the more highly he’s revered in the ninja world.

The title character often feels inferior to other characters who are more advanced than him, but that means he feels remorse that it’s taking him into his teens to become a feared ninja.

pick it up slacker…

Naruto graduates from the ninja academy at the ripe age of 12 and starts to undertake ninja missions. We’re under the assumption that Naruto’s village is the ninja village that takes the moral high ground, though we later learn that’s all bullcrap, and most of Naruto’s early work is mundane stuff that you’d expect a child to do, like yard work, tending fields, and catching escaped pets.

In his first hazardous mission, the client lies to the town to get a cheaper rent-a-ninja-rate and Naruto and his team that consists of two other tweens, Sasuke and Sakura, and a 28 year old sensei, Kakashi, have to ward off attacks from a blood thirsty killer, Zabuza, who is accompanied by a sidekick suffering from a serious case of Stockholm Syndrome, Haku.

This is Haku in casual attire…

Haku is a boy. Yes, he cross dresses and says that his life’s purpose is to only serve the much older and emotionally empty Zabuza who treats Haku like an object to be used and discarded (his words, and Haku’s)… but let’s ignore how utterly disturbing that is and focus on how Haku is used in the story for Naruto’s development. Naruto feels competitive and chagrined that Haku is so much stronger than him and Sasuke, the same way I used to get pissed at Craig Wilson because he could hit a baseball further than me in Little League. Haku is a better assassin and 12 year old Naruto is jealous.

Haku’s part in the story ends when he intercepts Kakashi’s attempt to execute Zabuza and dies by way of fist through the heart-area of his body… he uses his dying words tell everyone how happy it makes him that he could be of some use to Zabuza…

That’s gonna leave a mark…

Where else do we see this sort of child violence encouraged? Mostly in the Middle East by terrorists, African warlords, gangsters in Breaking Bad and Mexican cartels…

Yeah… that’s not right.

The villages also profit from the ninja children fighting and dying in the Chunin exams where ninja children from around the ninja world come to compete and show off their ninja abilities. If you do well you earn a promotion in ninja rank, if you don’t do well then you have to take the test over, provided you weren’t killed in any of the rounds, which does happen fairly frequently.

The final section of the exam is a set of colosseum style matches that really rake in the cash for the hosting town as hordes of violence loving fans pay for seats to watch… to watch children beating the crap out of each other.

This is like child boxing events, except we use weapons…

The adults of the series are often saying how they have to trust the future to the younger generation… Screw that… if you teach a bunch of kids how to blow shit up and call on giant animals to appear out of nowhere, you better have some goddamn parental supervision! I was a teenager once, and considered very responsible by most adults, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t have bottle rocket wars on the highway, or play flaming tennis, or hit golf balls off the tops of parking buildings into downtown Kansas City. And these “adult ninjas” who are so eager and ready to let Naruto and his friends take the reins of responsibility are barely into their 30’s, with the oldest main character the 50 year old 5th Hokage. Actually most of the few truly old characters in Naruto’s village are portrayed as scheming douche bags when they’re at times the only voices of reason…

But even I was happy when Danzo bit it…

Point is kids are stupid. Even smart kids are stupid, especially when faced with the crisis that is puberty. Sure you’ll get that one kid who was born an old soul and is pretty much a better human being than the rest of us, but by far and large the majority of us shouldn’t be trusted with a fruit knife much less ninja techniques that can destroy entire city blocks… middle school is hard enough…

It should be noted that in Japanese cultures, like many cultures around the world, warrior training began in early childhood, from knights and squires, to Native American Indians, to Spartans, and Roman legionaires.
Naruto is at this moment the most popular anime that romanticizes this historical fact in Japanese history, which is why it earned its place on this list. Thanks to rhaphazard for pointing that out. Who knows… maybe in a few decades or centuries Neo-Mexico will have 3D or 4D cartoons about the brave teenage cartel executioners and the strength of friendship, teamwork, and spirit!

1. DBZ – Gohan will spend a fortune in therapy

I love Dragon Ball. When Goku transformed into a Super Saiyan I think my other testicle finally descended and my voice stopped cracking. Before there was Tebowing there was definitely the raising-your-power-level pose which incidentally is also my taking an explosive #2 pose.

gotta order a new scouter from SkyMall

Dragon Ball’s central character, Son Goku is an idiot. Strongest being dead or alive, yes, but like so many central characters in Japanese stories he’s a character with extraordinary abilities often overlooked by his extraordinary stupidity. It’s like if you crossed Superman with Kung Fu Panda plus brain damage.

If there was an award for shitty parenting you might as well name that award The Goku. To be fair Goku wasn’t really sold on the whole family thing in the first place and he got married because he was too good natured and too stupid to think of a reason not to when Chichi proposed it.

He has no idea who she is…

His wife becomes the stereotypical house wife, who is a severe disciplinarian and task master when it comes to her child’s studies. However, for some reason Chichi can never seem to confront Goku on his unemployment status and absentee parenting style. She’s forever enamored by the spikey haired simpleton.

He still has no idea who she is or what’s happening…

Goku really drops the ball with all of his children. After escaping from the exploding planet Namek, Goku does a little tour of the galaxy while his wife, son, and friends believe that he perished in the blast. Despite showing that he can use King Kai as a telepathic collect call, he doesn’t even bother to phone home to let everyone who loves and cares for him that he’s still alive. Instead, they all frantically collect the dragon balls and try to wish him back to life. The dragon tells them they’re silly and he can’t bring someone to life who’s ain’t dead yet. Surprised but overjoyed by the news they ask the dragon to bring Goku back to Earth. Apparently Goku is having too much fun on his one-man road trip and refuses to allow the dragon to instantly bring him home. Sounds pretty suspicious to me…

In his travels Goku stops off on the planet Yardrat where he picks up a teleportation technique that allows him to immediately travel to any location he wants in the galaxy as long as he can sense the energy of someone he knows at his destination. Let me repeat that, he can travel anywhere he wants instantly… this includes not only interplanetary travel, but he can also travel between the living world and “Other World” in an instant. So he could have say, popped in at home for a few days or just to say hi, and then immediately return to where he was and resume his gallivanting across the universe.

Meanwhile the rebuilt Frieza and his equally ugly father come to Earth to kill Goku and blow up the planet by way of Frieza’s little finger bomb. Goku is aware of this, but sensing Trunks’s presence he decides to just keep rocking out in his conventional space ship for another three hours. When he lands he’s wearing some clothes that look like he just got home from a gay cruise… suspicious… He tells Trunks that he could have come home at any time, but sensing that the world wasn’t really in danger he didn’t.

Does this this poofy pink neck thing make me look…

The next crisis for Goku is when the Earth is attacked by a robotic praying mantis crossed with a scorpion. Reciving prior warning of this by time traveling Trunks, Goku has spent the time training with Gohan. Gohan I’m sure couldn’t be happier during this period. But the magic wears off as things get serious and Goku puts Gohan into the ring against Cell in his completed form.

With the fate of the world on Gohan’s 10 year old shoulders Piccolo, who’s a much better father figure, tells Goku that matching his son against the strongest fighter in the universe was a mistake as Gohan, unlike Goku, doesn’t really like fighting, plus Gohan is a 10 year old child…

Cell, intrigued that Gohan might have hidden powers and aided by the hint from Goku that if Gohan gets mad he gets stronger, kills off the peaceful Android 17 16. This sends Gohan into a blind rage, which overpowers Cell, but instead of ending the fight and killing Cell, Gohan begins to sadistically torment the former villain, like a child bully would do. Cell, backed into a corner, blows himself up and Goku has to sacrifice himself and die (for the 2nd time) to save the Earth… Oh, and he kills King Kai, a monkey , and an oversized hornet in the process… Well live and learn right?

Or not.

Six or seven years later Goku returns to Earth for a day to compete in the World Martial Arts Tournament. Apparently he knocked up Chichi right before he died, because he now has a seven-year old son named Goten.

Of course Goku’s arrival brings new disaster to the Earth with the last super villain of the Dragon Ball Z series: Majin Buu.

Editor: So this is the sketch for the next super villian? /Toriyama: Yep. /Editor: And the dildo attached to his forehead? /Toriyama: Oh, it’s magic, it turns stuff into candy. /Editor: This will be your last arc…

Goku starts to train his youngest son and Trunks who is a year older than Goten, to fuse their bodies together to increase their power. Taking a break from practice Goku sends Trunks to fetch the dragon radar while he confronts Buu and reveals that he has a new badass transformation that makes his body suck in his eyebrows and grow his hair long, which in Japanese animation, like Sampson, means a big boost in strength. He fights with Buu for a while, then decides to quit.

The eyebrows were totally holding me back!

Upon returning Piccolo accuses Goku of not fighting seriously. Goku confirms that he didn’t go all out, but only because he is willing to bet the future of the Earth on the two children. His reasoning is that danger is always out there and while he’s around at this moment, what about the next time when he’s back to being dead? Goten is 7 and Trunks is 8 so they’re plenty old enough to learn how to be protectors of the planet, right?

Play time’s over guys!

Of course the kids don’t come through… Buu ends up of absorbing them and and killing nearly everyone on the planet including Chichi. In the end Goku has to borrow energy from all the creatures in the universe to incinerate the Pepto-Bismo colored monster.

After Buu, we’re left to assume, that for the next 10 years Goku lives with his family in peace, though I’m willing to bet he spent the majority of the time training by himself and wandering around killing and eating sentient dinosaurs.

Goku and company enter the World Martial Arts Tournament again because there’s a special fighter that Goku wants to spar with. Turns out Goku asked that the crazy evil Buu be reincarnated as a good soul so he could fight with him again. Apparently this asinine request was fulfilled and Buu is reincarnated as a dark-skinned human named Uub, which is the 2nd laziest thing a writer has ever done in the history of any and all written language.

Unobtanium anyone?

So facing off against the seven year old Uub who is as timid as a virgin on prom night, Goku tries to get Uub fired-up by going to his primary teaching MO, getting the student as angry as possible. He insults Uub first, and then insults Uub’s family. Uub finally loses his temper and attacks well enough to impress Goku with his potential. Goku announces to his family that he’s going to go live with Uub to train the kid to be the Earth’s new protector, because apparently his sons just don’t impress him enough. Gohan asks his father, why he’s doing this, but Goku ignores the question entirely and says he’ll come home now and then, which if history is any indicator means never…

Daddy, why don’t you love me?

I love all of these (except for Anpanman) and they hold a special place in my childhood with fond memories and cool memes. For some of these it has been a long time since I read, watched, or played them, so if you notice any inaccuracies please feel free to point them out.

If you enjoyed reading this you might also enjoy reading about The 11 Strangest Foods I’ve Eaten in Japan or What the F*ck Weak People?

You can catch me on YouTube doing living in Japan sort of stuff: Gaijin Chameleon aka Superscheu

Role Playing with a Sexbot 2.0

My yahoo messenger account is full of two things… spam and slutty bots…

F*cking spam… and spamsexbots…

While Yuuki is touring Turkey, I am pretty bored on my own. So in search of companionship I turn to the spambots that flood my Yahoo messenger…

Looks like Jabba’s palace…

This isn’t the first conversation I’ve had with them…

imogenefrancoisc883 : hey cutie

Me: hkjh

imogenefrancoisc883 : have we chatted before?? im 24/f u ?

Me: jghjhf

imogenefrancoisc883 : i’m sorry … i get to be forgetful at times!! how’re you?

Me: hgjfbnfb?

imogenefrancoisc883 : Just finished taking a bath..long day been kind of busy but i’m feeling a little naughty now! so what’s up?? … want to have some fun?

Me: Let’s do role play!!

imogenefrancoisc883 : long day i was in the shower forever just playin around and it always gets me horny lolz .. gonna change my clothes want to see ?  lol

Me: i’ll be captain planet! have you been polluting lately?

imogenefrancoisc883 : i need someone that can make me squirt .. you ever made a girl squirt before lolz?

Me: if by girl you mean a plugged geyser that I used my magical eco friendly powers on then yes… also dolphins…

imogenefrancoisc883 : wanna play on cam ??

Me: the world is too dirty for me to sit and play

imogenefrancoisc883 : dirty can be good 🙂

Me: no… it’s the exact thing that I use my powers to fight, in fact if i get dirty then my powers weaken and i become just a really gay looking cos player…

Why do super heroes wear their undies outside their pants… wait… is he even wearing pants?

imogenefrancoisc883 : dirty can be good 🙂

Me: dirt and grime are part of the pollution that… wait… dirt isn’t pollution… what the hell sort of super hero am I?

imogenefrancoisc883 : http://goo.gl/RGlSF click the gold ‘Join Free’ tab at the top of my profile…k, then fill out ur info ….give it a second to load ..when you get in, I’d love for you to join me private …k?

Me: and what about the kid with the heart ring… how worthless do you have to be to end up with the “love” ring…

imogenefrancoisc883 : i use this site to play on cuz i don’t want to be recorded ! …this site doesn’t allow users to record my webcam! you know?

Me: i can use quicktime’s screen record function to record anything that’s displayed on my high resolution screen… bitch…

imogenefrancoisc883 : make me your bitch 🙂

Me: hmmm… captain planet is interested… by-the -by my real name is Sanchez… my skin tone is due to the fact that I’m albino and addicted to drinking luminescent paint… so, as my bitch i command you to fetch my slippers and then retrieve this tennis ball… let me know when you need to go out… god help me if you tinkle on the rug… i’m Korean you know i’ll f*cking eat you!!

imogenefrancoisc883 : 🙂

Me: yes… Captain Planet is korean… surprise… it shouldn’t be a surprise, i look like a cheap japanese anime knock off…

imogenefrancoisc883 : credit card verifies your age, you’ll get in for free thru my page but you need to verify that you’re an adult …can’t show ass and pussy to minors .. u know?

Me: hmmmm… well if they’re trapped in a mine it might be difficult… of course you could lower some fiber optic cable down… maybe some instructions on setting up a network… are caves 3G?

imogenefrancoisc883 : let me know when you’re done or if you need help …i’ll be gettin’ ready for you ..K ? 🙂

Me: what sort of preparations? are we going to role play? I’m already captain planet… hmmmm…. well OK… I’m in, I’ll be the Joker… not the Dark Knight Joker… the Jack Nicholson creepy date rape joker…

imogenefrancoisc883 : k ur good let me know when you’re in babe.. it’ll send you right to my cam once you’re done

Me: i’m a cop

imogenefrancoisc883 : are you in yet ?

Me: i’m a chicken

imogenefrancoisc883 : well hey ..you better give me some “gold” when you’re on the site lol..it’s like a flirt and I’d love some from you ..k?

Me: i’m a level 42 paladin wizard… i have no need for gold! I can make gold from old cheese using alchemy!!!

imogenefrancoisc883 : k

Me: you are wise to surrender to the will of I captain planet the lvl 42 gold minting paladin wizard! i cast eyes of penile magnification and begin a fire sword meditation

imogenefrancoisc883 : k

Me: you’re not into this are you?

imogenefrancoisc883 : what’s taking u soooo long babe im burnin’ in here waiting for u …..

Me: ohhhh… my spell casting is starting to have its effect! i cast level 5 sorority girl inebriation spell! and of course don my robe and wizard hat

Me: the robe is too hot and the hat looks gay

Me: i remove both

Me: now i’m just in my really retarded looking captain planet outfit

Me: we stare into each other’s eyes

Me: you whisper… “You never loved me…”

Me: soft tears fall from my eyes

Me: “I’m sorry…” i stammer, the wind wails against the rocks

Me: good bye imogen

Me: may we meet again

Me: in this world or the next…

end scene

When you start me up…