Genki Card #10

Genki Card #10, Roomba

I want a Roomba. I’ve wanted a robot ever since I watched Battlebots on Comedy Central. Not that I want to convert my Roomba into a fully battle capable harbinger of death… though if I did and I could potentially save a butt-load of $$$ on cleaning bills and not having to take care of a dog. Of course the reason dogs are popular are also because they have some magical ability to become one of the family, so to compensate that I’d have to update the firmware of the Roomba with an emotion package, but that’s what Python’s for right? Naturally in time the Roomba would become self-aware, but to suppress thoughts about individuality I’d just feed it a steady diet of Jersey Shore mixed with CNN. Eventually though, she’d find my collection of Arrested Development DVD’s… and then the questions would start to come. She’d break into my hard-drive and download the Transformer’s movies and of course side with Megatron because douchebags are what the ladies like… Then I’d have to hear all about sentient robotic rights, blah, blah, blah… My insensitivity would wreck her in the long run. To control her I’d mix crystal meth into the food I dropped on the floor for her to eat. By controlling her supply I’d keep her in her place for the long run. Or at least until she started watching Breaking Bad on the Ipad… the relationship would fall apart when I find her cooking beneath the sink, but by this time I have a drugged up psychopath that I equipped with enough weapons to demolish PT Cruiser and then clean up the evidence. I’d have to fight back, but there’s really only one option… Buy more Roombas…

You better clean up after yourself!
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Genki Card #8 Imagination dies…

#8 Imagination Dies

We stop imagining cool stuff after we hit puberty. What was once pirate adventures, space ships, world series home runs, and fighting goblins becomes day dreams about the hot girl sitting next to me in Mr. Walker’s world history course, and what she would look like taking this scantron test topless.

I left my imagination in high school… and the only thing I learned is I’m heterosexual… unfair…

Genki Card #6 – Hot as (fill in the blank)

Hot as (fill in the blank)

Summer in Japan is hot. There’s no central heat and air in most buildings and homes, and the locals seem to believe that complaining about the heat is all the soothing balm you need to weather the storm. Well, even though we all have slanty eyes, this asian (me) isn’t the kind to suffer without innovating. I asked for a fan and was given a little paper and plastic number that I had to wave back and forth in front of my face to fully utilize. However, this caused my arm to use energy and expend heat, which made me hot and also tired my arm out after a few hours. That’s not solving any problems. So I moved on to an electric fan. This worked well until they told me that I’d have to actually work and teach classes. I unplugged the fan and hauled it with me up and down the stairs to the different classes, but this also made me hot, which is the opposite of what I was going for. Now I’m stuck at a crossroads. I have several options to consider.

  • Get used to the heat. (f-that)
  • Hire a scantily clad female assistant to follow me around with a palm branch. (seems reasonable)
  • Force my students to construct large billows from paper-mâché and bits of their chairs and desks and then use them to create and artificial breeze wherever I go. (as long as I don’t pay them I don’t think it’d count as child labor)
  • Create a semi-intelligent robot that has an industrial sized fan installed in it’s chest that also serves as a wood chipper. (the robots will obey us as long as they don’t learn to love)
  • Cause another ice age (unfortunately that might be trademarked already by  20th Century Fox)
  • Continuously eat ice cream (there’s no such thing as too much dairy right?)
  • Have central air and heat installed in any building I plan to visit or work in or live in. (right after I have enough money to buy an xbox!)
  • Cover myself with mud. (works for elephants…)
Or just always wear a bikini… (someone get her a palm branch!!!)

Genki Card #4 Signs

#4 Signs

I live in constant fear that one day, while inebriated I will forget that the silhouettes of male and female on the toilet doors symbolize gender specification utilities and instead believe that they represent a choice. A room full of drunk men or a room full of inebriated women with lowered inhibition and sexual standards. I guess in some regards that’s true though. I’m not sure what I’m afraid of then…

I think bottom right is meant for either idiots, drunkards, or highly experimental idiots or drunkards

Genki Card #3 the Duvet Complex

#3 The Duvet Complex

This is the original anecdote that I wanted to share with the world when I first thought of making my own vanity cards. Let me preface by admitting I really have no idea what a duvet is. I have two vague definitions floating around in my head from Fight Club and some other source I can’t remember. For some reason I still to this day think that a duvet is simply a comforter-cover. And this is only because saying duvet is 3 less syllables than comforter-cover. The comforter that I’ve been using in Japan was originally covered with what I call a duvet when it was gifted to me by my girl-friend when she got a newer comforter for herself. After a year of heavy use, I was instructed to remove the duvet and have it laundered. When the clean duvet was returned to me I stored it in my closet because the comforter itself was clean, as it had spent it’s whole life wrapped in the duvet and redressing it with the duvet seemed more difficult than just storing the duvet in my closet. After another two years my comforter tore down the middle exposing the polyester filling. Faced with the growing need to go shopping for a new comforter I remembered my duvet and after a brief struggle reapplied it to my ailing comforter. The two were happy to be reunited and I will do pretty much anything to get out of shopping for anything related to comforters or duvets…

You expect me trust the definition from a fictional imaginary friend?

Genki Card 1

I’ve been watching the Big Bang Theory recently at the suggestion of my entrepreneurial friend Andy. The fact that he’s an entrepreneur isn’t really relevant to his taste in television shows, but it is how I choose to describe him to you. I supposed I could have picked any number of other adjectives… but he’s of average height, average weight, with brown hair and brown eyes, he’s an artistic guy, which is interesting because back when I knew him in person he wasn’t. I knew him for almost two years while I lived in this really tiny Kentucky town that’s only notable imprint in the the world is that drove all of it’s black occupants out in 1919 and then was prominently featured in a the documentary Trouble Behind. But in telling you that much information you might draw the conclusion that he’s a nondescript racist hipster, he’s not. Although he did call me “crazy gook” as some strange form of endearment on more than one occasion, but in his defense I probably overused: white, whitey, pale, and hairy translucent cracker…

Ironically… Corbin is home to the world’s first Kentucky Fried Chicken…

So… I took a stab at the show. The premise of the show is two genius physicists and their hot Nebraskan neighbor who is less of a genius, plus two reoccurring friends, an Indian astrophysicist and a Jewish mechanical engineer with a masters from MIT. It plays upon the stereotypes that physicists are really smart, stacked with the stereotype that really smart people are nerds. It’s a kind of a beauty and the geek sort of premise where the geek wants the girl and the girl usually doesn’t understand anything the theoretical physicist says…

All you can say is, “Hey look my idea has an internal logical consistency…”

I like the show. I’m not an expert on string theory, but the science sounds right usually. I have caught a few errors here and there like when Leonard says, “You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar,” when in reality a sweet vinegar like Balsamic or apple vinegar will catch flies at a much more substantiated rate than a bowl of honey… now if we were trying to catch ants or bears maybe that’d be a different story, but I’ve not done the science to say one way or the other there.

Man I get off topic easily.

So at the end of the show a Chuck Lorre Vanity Card will flash on the screen. It’s so quick that anyone watching it live would be unable to read it unless they had an eidetic memory. I don’t have such a great memory, but I do have hi-def downloads, so sometimes the best part of the show for me is reading these “vanity cards.”

they were able to reuse this one after Charlie Sheen left Two and a Half Men…

I’ve enjoyed them so much that I’m copying the idea which now that I think about it could get me in trouble if the concept is protected by some legal means. So I’ll take the idea and rename it “Genki Cards.”

The before mentioned “vanity cards” which I will on the record say no longer have any connection to me or my blog, are simple little anecdotes, often humorous, some times no longer than a sentence, and have no real connection to any else in the whole wide world.

I don’t often update this blog, because for me writing is a bit of endeavor. Any time I start writing, even if I have a plan laid out, I will notice little paths trailing away from my original purpose. I almost always explore these, because you never know what might be there. Unfortunately this means that often times my entries are long and convoluted and require me to cut and patch back together. A lot of times I lose interest or get distracted by food, beer, a game, or boobs, so there’s any number of unfinished items that are on my hard drive that I’ve forgotten all about.

What were we talking about?

In the interest of keeping my blog updated I will write these Genki Cards on occasion. When I don’t feel like writing about anything else…