Moses, Jonah, Elijah… Glenn Beck?

God needs better PR...

I’m a big fan of Glenn Beck. Who isn’t? I mean I loved Fraggle Rock and the Muppets and when I watch Beck it’s like listening to a muppet, there’s just a lot of funny noises modeled after human speech while a puppet that looks vaguely hominoid flails about on screen.

Looking back now, maybe I shouldn’t have done so much meth in preschool…

Beck’s take on the Japan quake is that it could be, maybe possibly, (he’s not saying for certain, but probably yeah), that the quake and tsunami that struck Japan was God’s version of a Facebook poke. Now it’s getting blown way out of proportion by the left media stream. You have to pay attention to Beck’s carefully worded preface:

“I’m not saying God is, you know, causing earthquakes… I’m not not saying that either.”

Yes, he sounds like a nervous virgin apologizing to his date while his jeans are still zipped and buttoned… “I’m not saying I’m gonna rock your world… I’m not not saying that either…but probably not…” But the man has covered his own ass. Beck is actually pretty smart. He makes audacious statements, presents out of context historical analogies, and spits out enough conspiracy theories to fill the next three installments of the National Treasure franchise. But with all his crazy he serves a side of ambiguous tentativeness. He even tells his viewers to do their own fact checking, knowing that the only ones who would bother checking his facts are the people who didn’t agree with him in the first place.

Beck goes on to explain God’s intent, which I imagine is a lot like trying to explain what exactly a Facebook poke means. I don’t know why, but somehow I feel like it’s inappropriate at times…

The Social Network‘s greatest failure was the one question left unanswered. WTF is a poke?

Glenn Beck:

“There’s a message being sent. And that is, ‘Hey, you know that stuff we’re doing? Not really working out real well. Maybe we should stop doing some of it.’ I’m just saying.”

The man is eloquent I’ll give you that. He reminds me of a male Lauren Caitlin Upton, in his vagueness and ability to make Mario Lopez look like the next inductee to the MacArthur Fellowship Program.

In Lauren’s defense… she looks like this.

My father was a bit of scholar. He imparted little philosophical gems with me from time to time:

  • If you don’t have anything to say, then don’t say anything just to say something.
  • Speak only to improve upon silence.
  • Silence is golden.
  • For the love of god stop singing tracks from Newsies and throwing my paper around. Where the hell is the [flipping] sports section?

A lot of my dad’s wisdom was about noise pollution…

Talking about noise pollution, Glenn Beck makes a decent living by just opening his mouth on a regular basis and it’s amazing to me how popular a muppet with Nazi Tourettes is. I had a similar idea back in high school for a Muppets spin off based in a concentration camp with a baby Hitler muppet as the chief warden with a lisp and Miss Piggy as his sadomastic 2nd in command. Production was blocked on all fronts for me though, legally by Disney and PETA, and physically when the one orthodox Jewish student at my school, David Feldman, burned my only script and stole my girlfriend for revenge.

Unluckily for David she’s a republican, and crazy…

My beef is that if and when massive tornadoes strike the midwest, then God’s message isn’t questioned. When flash floods swept across Australia there was no mention of “stuff” that had pissed God off. When Christchurch got hit by a 6.3 magnitude quake Beck and Fox treated it like a natural disaster.

And even if God is using earthquakes now as his special little im’s to mankind, what kind of sad existence is there to be had by standing around and saying, “Told ya so!” to people who have lost friends, families, and homes?

It may make you feel good, but you go up a few levels of douche…

If God is sending messages, someone needs to give him an iphone or something. If he wants to cause massive wanton acts of destruction, then that’s his prerogative. He is God and he does have a history of it. But if it really is God sending us messages about stuff that’s not really working out, then why doesn’t he send us an actual message? I mean, back in the Old Testament he sent Jonah to Nineva and Moses went to Pharaoh a bunch of times with God’s message. Yeah, Pharaoh was a fool. How skeptical do you have to be if water turning to blood and fire raining from the sky can’t convince you to stop messing with the Jews? Moses was basically Gandalf on Red Bull, terrifying. God even sent 3 messengers to Sodom & Gomorrah who went trough the trouble of rescuing Lot, not moments after Lot had just offered his daughters virginity to placate an angry mob.

He offered his daughters to be gang raped; so the mob wouldn’t hurt his guests who were visiting the city to see if it need to be destroyed by fire and brimstone. The bible is frigging awesome sometimes.

If God’s gonna be moving continents and shaking things up, (blame my father for my horrible puns), then the least he could do is drop us an email, a letter, hire a sky writer plane, or just send some of those messengers. But all we get is Glenn Beck who tells us, Stuff isn’t going well. Maybe. Probably. But maybe not. Or not not…