living covertly in Japan

Posts tagged ‘japanese’

Teaching Materials Update

I’ve added my recently designed, “Castle Game” to my teaching materials page. Use and enjoy.

Castle Game

 

may i castle game

This game uses no dice. Game pieces can just be the student’s erasers or pen caps. One student is the ‘King’ and the others want to become the new king. Best played in groups of 3-4. The students will take turns playing rock-scissors-paper with the ‘King.’ If they win they can go 3 spaces, if they tie they to 2 spaces, and if they lose to the ‘King’ they will go one space. They must ask the ‘King’ for permission as they land on the appropriate spaces. e.g. if the 1st student loses to the king and lands on (1) then they have to ask the king, “May I go to 4?” Then another round of rock-scissors-paper is played. If the player wins then the ‘King’ grants the request, (Yes, you may.), and the player can move to (4). If the ‘King” wins then the request is denied, (No you may not.), and the player has to stay put. Each space that has a request asked to the ‘King’ has the Loss / Win results beneath the request.

In my game using “May I…” the students have a chance to gain “bazookas” which can then be used when they are attacked. The ‘King’ holds the bazooka cards and must give them out when it is requested. If the students have no bazooka cards they then they have to try to escape instead.

When a student reaches the end and becomes the new king the game begins again from the start.

You may change the Loss / Win values if you want or use the blank template I’ll provide here to use your own grammar point. Even if you don’t know how to use photoshop you can simply write in your own target grammar as long as your handwriting is legible. You can also use whiteout, type your new stuff in word or something and then cut and paste and then run it through a copier. That’s old school, but I’m willing to be at least some of you have never thought of doing that before which is pretty sad…

castle game template

template

bazookas

Bazooka cards. One sheet should be enough for a class of 35-40 kids.

Japan Living TIPS

So you’ve made it to Japan. You’ve left the plane, passed through immigration, convinced customs that those weren’t the droids they were looking for, and you’re officially a gaijin.

You will stand out. This is a fact. It happens to everyone, it doesn't mean there's something wrong with your or that you're in anyway special... you're not.

So after you get over the taxis with the SKYNET smart doors, smack your forehead a couple of times into low hanging door frames, and check into your hotel for your training; you’ll have to begin the long road of learning to live in a foreign country. Here are some pointers and insights to help you through the transition.

Be careful where you party

I’m not talking about avoiding places that don’t serve foreigners. I’ve never seen such a place and I probably wouldn’t be turned away anyway… I’m talking about partying efficiently. If you love bars/pubs then you’re used to spending plenty of $$ for a night out on the town. As for me, I was used to Kansas house parties and hot co-eds crowding around my keg-o-rator I kept stocked with Boulevard Wheat. When I did go out, my drinks were usually on the house or set over by groups of giggly farm girls.

Again, it's called the Don Draper effect.

Japan is connected by trains and the major cities will have large train stations full of stores and restaurants. Tokyo has lots of very large stations. Your training period won’t be in some little hick town, mine was in Tokyo, but Fukuoka, Osaka, Kyoto, Nagoya, and Shizuoka are also popular training locations. Cities of that size will have decent sized main stations that are central locations that make for good landmarks for meet-ups.

A general rule of thumb is to avoid drinking at the station. Or if you want to drink at the station make sure your party is subterranean. Basement level establishments at the station and/or places that are 1-2 blocks away from the station have much lower rent and are much more affordable places to drink away your inhibitions or at least drink until that one chick with the dragon tattoo jumps from a 4 to a workable 7…

The real question is what did SHE drink last night...

Be Prepared

Sure, washboard abs, forearms that look like steel cables wrapped in skin, and a dark wash pair of jeans paired with any high quality wool top will show everyone that you have a gym membership and a subscription to GQ, but if you want to really impress a bunch of brand new gaijin then be a little prepared.

Don’t be that douche that knows everything about everything and won’t STFU about it. But keep a little notebook and write down some different foods you’d like to try. Then when you’re out and everyone is ordering off the pictures in the menu you can try something you’re actually interested in trying.

Learn from my mistakes... the drawings of Firefly do not help you in Japan...

Two things you’ll want to ask about are nomihodai’s and tabehodai‘s. A lot of different restaurants and even karaoke joints will have a nomihodai option. It’s all you can drink from a limited drink menu, usually draft beer, red & white wine, and a few different types of sake. Yakiniku restaurants will often have a tabehodai option, which like the nomihodai, is all you can eat from a select menu.

Be careful, you'll have to wind up eating any mistakes you make when ordering tabehodai.

Buy old sushi

Supermarkets typically close around 8:00 p.m. Around an hour before they lock their doors, all of the prepared food they have left-over will go on sale. This includes all bento boxes, onigiri, and sushi & sashimi. If you wait to shop then you can save a ton and still eat like a king.

Oh yeah... you might have some competition...

I used to buy bento boxes with assorted foods for around ¥270. I bought shredded crab over rice for around ¥450. Boxes of sushi dropped down between ¥300-600 depending on the contents.

This, and raiding the local vegetable gardens is how I survived my first year in Japan.

I did lose a fair number of petticoats and shoes though...

Recycle Shops

Japan has 2nd hand shops that make the thrift stores I shopped at in Kansas look like… well… like thrift stores you’d expect to find in the middle of Kansas.

Man that brings back memories...

They’re called “Recycle Shop” and like you’d expect of Japan they’re clean, safe, and meticulously maintained. The electronics work, the clothes are clean, and the porn is… well… plentiful.

This is the name of a Recycle Shop I frequented.

100 Yen

Shopping at a Dollar Tree in America is a mission to actually find something worth a $1… one that usually ends in failure unless you place a higher value on plastic harmonicas and bubble wands than normal people… The Japanese relative of the dollar store is the aptly named “hyakuen” which just means “100 yen.”

Now ¥100 shops are actually ¥105 with tax, but they’re still great places to get office supplies, hangers, dishes, eco bags, cleaning supplies, slippers, etc. It’s actually difficult to not find something that would in some way improve your life in Japan.

I can't stop thinking of uses for this!

Socialized Medicine

I always recommend getting on the National Health Insurance. If you work for Interac they’ll recommend a 3rd party international insurance company called Global Health Insurance. Japan doesn’t recognize this company. You’ll have to pay all costs up front in full, save your receipts, and then file more paperwork to get reimbursed. Being that I hate paperwork I opted to get onto the National plan as quickly as possible.

See... I hate paperwork so much even getting an autograph annoys me...

Now the National plan is based off of your salary from the previous year. As you are new to Japan, you did not collect any salary last year so there is next to no price difference between Global and the National plan. However… your second year in Japan your insurance rate will probably double, which turns some people off to the National plan, but you should still probably get on it.

Japanese companies are required by law to either provide company based insurance or enroll their employees in the National Health Insurance. How dispatch companies and English schools skirt around this I’m not sure, but there are plenty of angry bloggers who have already discussed that issue.

Some people take the internet too seriously...

The thing that I want you to be aware of is if you’re in Japan for a long time and using a 3rd party international insurance and then want/need to switch to the National coverage, you’re up a metaphorical creek of excrement without any means of propulsion or steering… You’ll be expected to make back payments for those years you’ve been in Japan not paying for any health insurance that Japan recognizes. Now there are ways around this, or at least I’ve heard rumors of people who have been able to dodge the bullet, but again… that’s more work than I want to do.

I could go on and on about tips for living in Japan. But being dervishly witty and a humorous rake gets old after a while…

If I’ve made any mistakes or your experience has been otherwise please let me know. If you have any other hints that might help the 新外人, then please let me know!

If you enjoyed reading this then you might want to read: What to bring to Japan and The 11 strangest foods I’ve eaten in Japan.

No matter how much you fit in you'll still stand out... But that doesn't mean it's held against you.

Japanese VD…

Valentine’s day in Japan is a day where women give men chocolate and men eat chocolate.

Welcome to my world...

It’s not all fun and games, as you must remember who gave you chocolate and then a month later return the gesture on March 14th, which is called White Day. Your return present should be worth about 3x the gift you received on Valentine’s Day.

Women will give chocolate to, not just lovers, crushes, and spouses, but also co-workers, bosses, friends, and family members.

So what seems like a giant ego boost is really becomes an obligation to empty your wallet later on.

It’s truly a time of year where dashing good looks are a curse…

At least that's what all my handsome friends tell me...

The best Valentine’s Day gifts I’ve received has been bottles of sake. On White Day I simply bought more bottles of sake as a return gift and we all drank them together!

Which is the best way to drink sake~

Younger girls will usually make chocolate by hand, as they don’t have the money to spend on expensive candy. They’ll buy wrapping paper and decorations to make their gifts cute. It’s called 「手作りチョコ」(tezukurichoko), and I think it almost means more than fancy expensive chocolate. (though I still prefer sake)

How did you know I had a hand fetish?

 Happy Valentine’s Day world!

If you want to read about my worst Valentine’s Day check out my post: On a Valentine’s Day

Watch Yuuki shops for chocolate for her uncle and cousin:

Happy New Year!!! It’s 2012!!!

Like most Asian cultures, New Years is the most important time of year.

Bonenkai season starts towards the end of December around the 20th. Pronounced “bone-en-kah-ee” it’s the end of the year party for companies. After New Year’s day the Sinenkai season starts, it’s the beginning of the year party. Imagine the amount of drinking at a Pikey wake, then imagine that for a solid 3 week period your relatives are dying at regular intervals… that is what the back-to-back bonenkai/shinenkai season is like.

Should have seen him last night when he was actually drunk!

Japanese New Years Traditions

There are a lot, a lot more than I’ll list here, but these are the ones that I notice and participate in. As another forward, I am not a Japan-o-phile like so many of my fellow gaijin. Culturally significant practices are about as meaningful to me as my gallbladder is to Scarlet Jo…

It doesn’t have to make sense, she’s beautiful…

 

Otoshidama

I am a generous man. I give to my friends and family as much as I can and then some. Otoshidama rubs me a little bit though, because I’m paying into a system that I never received any benefit from.

I’m impressed solely by the fact that he didn’t screw up and say “Fonzi Scheme”

Otoshidama is a monetary gift that children receive from their older relatives and occasionally friends of the family. As I was bouncing between the Gulf of Mexico and Shenandoah Valley most of my childhood, I never got any otoshidama. I did however get Christmas presents, a tradition that’s not widely practiced in Japan. So it all evens out right?

Well… I do love toys, and I love buying Christmas presents for the younger kids on the Japanese side of my family. So each year I talk Yuuki out of her typically terrible ideas for presents and get the kiddos something they’ll enjoy, like Legos, fighting robots, and talking books. On top of that, not a week after Xmas I give the kids money for otoshidama as well. The kids are cleaning up… I’m just banking on one of them becoming the next Ichiro…

No pressure kiddo…

 

Mochitsuki

Mochi is an odorless, flavorless, colorless food covered in a fine white powder that just might be iocane. People do actually die while eating it each year, but not because of the iocane, but because they try to eat too much in one bite and the sticky rice gets lodged in their throat and they choke on the celebratory New Years food… it sounds like there’s a Chinese proverb in there.

Confucius say…

The act of making mochi is terrible process made worse by the fact that we follow traditional methods and we make enough to feed half of starving N. Korea.

FOB…

You start by soaking rice overnight. The rice is then steamed until soft. Sounds simple so far right?

Then we dump it in a large stone mortar and mash it up with wooden hammers like Mario going after Donkey Kong.

If you’re old enough to remember when this was cool chances are you or your friends have kids of your own already…

Mashing mochi is like sprinting for 100m using only your upper body. The hammer is slick with warm water to keep the rice from sticking to it so you have to grip it so hard you’ll give up masturbation for a month afterwards out of trepidation… maybe not… depends what you’re into I guess.

Each batch of mochi takes 10-15 minutes of mashing and grinding in groups of three and then standing in pairs on either side hammering. The hammering takes between 200-400 strokes total. We take turns at hammering, each turn is around 20-30 swings per person, after which your arms will burn, your back will ache, your hands will feel like stone, and even simple tasks like breathing will seem almost alien in difficulty. On each batch of mochi everyone will have 3-4 turns hammering.

We do 30kg of rice, which equates to 17-18 batches of mochi. You do the math…

This seems like a contradiction…

The mochi is used as an offering at the shrines of deceased ancestors and the little shrines people keep in their homes. I don’t know much about Japanese religion, maybe another post.

I wanna buy a machine and race everyone, John Henry style

We also eat it in soup, baked on the grill, and fried like a chicken finger. As it is itself without flavor it’s traditional to fill it with anko, a sweet paste made from mashed up red beans. To imagine what anko tastes like take some refried beans and add some high fructose corn syrup.

 

Kouhaku: Red vs White

This is a type of battle of the bands that plays every year. Most Japanese music sounds like cats dying horribly to me (same for K-Pop).

Can animal control still help me out here?

There are some good Japanese artists out there… but I don’t watch much Japanese TV, as it’s usually only good enough to make me miss terrible American television like LOST, American Idol, or Gilmore Goods. Now I don’t know why I brought this up…

 

Fukubukuro

Fukubukuro means “secret bag”. It’s a stellar shopping opportunity in if you’re the sort of person who doesn’t like shopping.

I even hate shopping for stock photos…

How it works:

You buy a bag for around $100 (prices can vary), and the contents of the bag will be valued at at-least 3x what you paid. The bags are separated by size and it’s a cash only sort of thing. A few fukuburos and you’d be set for the coming year.

Sometimes they’ll tell you what’s in the bag! Or let you peek…

The jacket makes me look like the Michelin Tire guy… or any h.s. football lineman at a 10 year reunion…

Visiting shrines:

This falls into the culture thing… on top of it the shrines are packed this time of year. It’s better to wait until the 2nd or 3rd to go. You can play a lottery game by buying a fortune at the temple. All I’ve ever gotten was lollipop that tasted like grass (2009), a bag of sugar (2010), and wooden arrow with no point (2011).

There’s lots of festival food around to eat, like yakisoba, takoyaki, yakitori, and squid on a stick.

Food on a stick just tastes better!!

My fortunes are usually lousy too. They usually come with ambiguous ominous warnings, like “avoid fire”, “beware new opportunities”, and “stay away from high places”.

 

Happy 2012 everyone! Thanks for reading!

Year of the dragon!

New Math

Don’t be wasteful.

  • 12 rolls of toilet paper is enough for 1000 trips to the bathroom.
  • 10L (2.6gal) of gasoline is enough to transport 4 injured people.
  • 1 loaf of bread is a meal for 1 family.
  • 1 small can of gas cooks enough rice for 10 people.
  • 5kg (11lbs) of rice feeds 120 people.
  • 1 battery powers a radio for 100 people to use.

I’m sure more than 100 people might be able to use the radio, but you get the point.  Re-evaluate how you use supplies from dog food and AAA batteries to the miles you drive and the food you throw away.

There are some amazing stories that are coming out.  Like the baby that was torn from her father’s arms by the tsunami, but was later found alive and reunited with her parents.  A man was rescued on top of a floating roof miles away from shore.  But the stories of joy and happiness only breaks up the sobering reality that thousands of bodies are being found floating along the coast, people are starving, Japan is combating a nuclear disaster.

But we’re helping.  We’re working together to support the people who need to be supported.  Life here in Fukuoka is seemingly business as usual for me.  I go to work, I eat, I sleep.  Someday life in the Tohoku region will go back to normal as well.  But not for a very long time.

Help if you can and if you have already thanks.

Raining Women

According to a report….

The city I live next to is filled with women.  Specifically, women that are in their twenties.  Fukuoka (along with Akita) is also known in Japan for having beautiful women.

This is actually the popular Tokyo group called AKB-48. I think Fukuoka should form their own from their ample ranks and call them FUK-48.

This makes sense.  A year ago I got on the wrong bus with a friend.  When we realized our mistake we got off and found the closes subway station.  It was like we had slipped into some wonderful or (depending on the time of the month…) horrifying alternate reality.  The platform was packed with people.  All of them were young women.  I don’t know if an Arashi concert had just finished or David Hasselhoff was having a tit signing session, but for some strange reason we found ourselves immersed in a sea of women.

I think it’s safe to assume I don’t know what women want… Neither does Mel Gibson I assume though…

So write that down.  Fukuoka = tons of hot young women.  They really need to market that better…  If I’ve learned anything from Super Bowl commercials there are two things that sell and of them much better than the other.  Comedy and S-E-X.

Moral of this is:

who wants to visit?

 

We also have a baseball stadium…
and basketball!

The 11 strangest foods I’ve eaten in Japan

Any time you move someplace new there will be new customs, new traditions, and new foods that may seem strange because you’re not used to them.  America has it’s own fair share of strange and unusual shit that to a foreigner would seem kind of fucked up like Ranch Dressing, Velveeta cheese, tripe, Sarah Palin, and Dane Cook.

Inspiring frat boys everywhere.

Japanese food is for the most part delicious.  There’s a lot more fried food that I’d expected, a lot of food served on a stick, and a lot of food that’s from centuries old traditions.  Japan is also the country that loves eating raw sea creatures, gave us Godzilla and Pokemon, and is responsible for the lap pillow, which is a pillow in the form of the severed lower torso of a woman that is marketed to lonely sociopaths.

Have you been working out Kumiko-chan? You’re thighs are so firm today!

This is a list of eleven foods that have been strange for me to consume while living in Japan.  There are perhaps odder foods that I haven’t tried like hachinoko, pig placenta juice, and various flavors of Kit Kat bars, but this is just a personal list I’ve experienced first hand.

11. Horumon (ホルモン)

Meat wins.

Now to be fair, the entrails of pigs and cattle are eaten in many countries including America, which is why this only ranks at number 11 for me.  In America it is soul food for some.  In my family we didn’t even speak about it least we jar my mother’s nightmares about old German cuisine her mother used to make for her that included the brains and intestines of various barnyard critters.

If this was a story about the scary shit my mom has told me about we’d be here for much longer probably and I’d be further in debt to my therapist, but fortunately we’re focusing on Japan here.

Horumon has two possible meanings.  First, it sounds like “hormone” and indeed it’s associated with building stamina.  The 2nd possible origin of the word is the combining of the Japanese words horu which means “to throw away” and mon which is a form of mono which means “thing.”  Yes, the name for this food literally means, “Shit we throw away.”

Yep, like that!

I’m told by my girl friend’s father that horumon is a new food.  They only recently developed the technology to make the intestines of a cow edible enough to eat.  I imagine this means they finally invented some sort of steam cleaner for animal innards.  It’s prepared in a marinade of soy sauce, sugar, crushed red pepper, and other various spices.  It’s one of the few foods that they bother marinating too.

Verdict:  If pressed into a point where there is no other option I will eat this.  I try to picture a starving orphan child somewhere with a distended belly to guilt me into not grimacing.

The texture is like chewing a piece of blubber that never tears, never gets smaller, and continues to send little bursts of fat into your taste buds until you swallow it whole.  The marinade tastes just fine, but it’d be just as good if not better on some food that doesn’t require specialized technology to clean it up enough to be considered food.

If you visit Japan and love chewing on the digestive parts of animals that at some point are directly connected to cow anus then order some horumon.   Be careful when you cook it over an open flame though, because so much fat drips from it while cooking you have to constantly deal with grease fires.

10. Chirimenjako (ちりめんじゃこ)

This is a sort of fish dish.  And by fish dish I mean mass fish infanticide.  The little fish fry that make up this dry chewy dish are typically sardine or anchovy fry, they’re dried and salted.  Chirimen comes in varying consistencies ranging from soft and delicate to tough as leather.  It’s eaten a variety ways; sometimes with spices, sometimes sweet, sometimes as bar food, sometimes with just soy sauce, sometimes mixed into other dishes without your knowledge.

Baby fish, like these.

It’s a little strange eating school lunch with your students and something gets stuck in your teeth.  You pull it out and it’s half of what looks like a tiny fish.  Upon further inspection of your food it’s apparent that what you thought were coconut shreds is actually hundreds of tiny white fish carcasses.

Best eaten in conjunction with shark week.

Verdict:  A lot of gaijin don’t like chirimen, but I enjoy eating this in pretty much any form.  My favorite is with a glass of cold beer with grated daikon radish mixed in.  I like to imagine I’m a shark and hum the Jaws theme while diving headfirst into my bowl.  I suggest you do the same.

Oh the carnage!

9.  Awabi (あわび)

Abalone is considered quite the delicacy here.  It’s strange prehistoric half shell structure makes me want to pretend I’m a prehistoric shark, but as a shellfish it’s not that strange despite looking like an alien vagina from the bottom up.

eat me!

No, the reason awabi makes it this high on the list is how it’s prepared.  There are multiple ways of eating it, as sushi, boiled in soy sauce, swished around in boiling soup, cooked with boiling rice…  the method of preparation I’m singling out here is the yaki method or bbq method.

A living awabi is put shell down on a metal grill that’s over a charcoal fire.  The doomed creature quickly becomes uncomfortable, but out of water turning over isn’t an option.  However, it tries really fucking hard.  So we all sit around it while it writhes in the agony of being cooked alive.  Meanwhile, as we watch we’re whispering, “Oishisou,” (you looking fucking delicious) and occasionally pouring soy sauce or sake or beer or butter over its smoking body.

Verdict:  Meh.  This is an expensive food.  A full grown awabi that’s the size of my hand will run about 3-4000円 (around $40).  It has very little flavor and its texture is rubbery.  It doesn’t taste bad, but for a lot less cash and a lot more flavor you could opt for some clams or any number of delectable bivalves.

As far as animal cruelty you get your money’s worth.  If there’s an expression sea creatures have for holy shit agony I’m pretty sure this is as good a show as any.  The only thing that could possibly top this is a similar method I saw on TV used to cook an octopus.  The octopus was held down with a pair of long chopsticks while it tried to escape.  But this is a list of foods I’ve eaten 1st hand…  if I catch an octopus then maybe I’ll come back and revise this list…

If you have friends who are Japanese and they invite you to a bbq then drop by the fish market and pick up an awabi as a gift.  It’ll go over really well with them at least.

8. Torafugu (とらふぐ)

Not all pufferfish harbor enough deadly toxins that can kill 30 grown men, some have no toxins at all.  So why do we eat the poisonous ones?  Because why the hell not it seems.  I’ve always been impressed with the bravery of early presidents of the Taste Me Club.  (note:  the adult Taste Me Club has nothing to do with the one you were coerced to join as a child, but much more fun for adults…).  With all the different types of mushrooms, frogs, pinecones, and animal intestines the founding members of the Taste Me Club were short-lived badasses who probably needed a hand truck to cart around their massive balls.

Modern day Taste Me clubs are all Twilight fans.

There is a famous Japanese poem that translated reads:

I cannot see her tonight.

I have to give her up

So I will eat fugu.

Yes, apparently fugu was romanticized in Japanese literature as a poetic means of suicide.  Death by pufferfish is caused by a deadly tetrodotoxin to which there is no real antidote if too much is consumed.  It shuts down your body, but leaves you conscious as your friends gather around you to go through your pockets before the ambulance takes you to the hospital to die.  The deadliest of the fugu is the torafugu, or tiger fugu, which is the most sought after species for some strange up reason.  It’s believed that eating the blowfish will grant you good health, power, and virility providing you survive.  (Kind of like combining Russian roulette and Viagra?)

I feel more randy already!

Fugu has gotten a lot safer now to eat than in olden days.  There are very few fatalities and for unlicensed people to prepare the fish is a crime.  The strange thing is, as the fugu becomes safer to eat, it’s loosing some of its prestige in Japan.  I think Japan needs to become heavily introduced to MMA or Halo as alternative ways to blow off steam.

Verdict:  This is an expensive dish.  We throw a fugu party every New Years and it runs around $100 a person.  At yakiniku I pay extra to cook my own food.  At the fugu party we pay extra to hope the dude that gutted our fish was having a good day and wasn’t trying to quit smoking cold turkey or had Parkinson’s…

This fish has very little taste.  The sashimi is sliced very thin and is crunchy.  The soup tastes like soup.  The fried fugu tastes like a fried white fish.

Platter of fugu sashimi.

After eating it I didn’t feel extra virile or extra healthy.  I was able to command the allegiance of sentient sea creatures and convince hot women to go skinny dipping with me, but I could do that ever since I shook hands with Bob Ballard in 8th grade.  It’s worth eating it once for the fear factor, though these days the only people you’d impress are people who aren’t Japanese, or poor Japanese who can’t afford to eat like a king.

7. Ika ikizukuri (イカ活き造り)

Ika is Japanese for “squid.”  Ikizukuri means “prepared while living.”  You do the math.

Okay, for those of you who still think that Obama is an illegal immigrant Muslim I’ll spell it out for you.  This is a dish where you eat a freshly chopped up squid while its still shivering dismembered corpse watches you helplessly.

If you enjoyed killing the awabi while whispering to it that it looked delicious, here is the opportunity to level up.  Let’s make it clear.  The squid really looks like it’s still alive by the time it hits your table.  (Though scientifically speaking it’s had all of it’s innards removed, I don’t know if squids can live without all that stuff.) Its skin is still attempting to change colors as either a last ditched attempt to camouflage itself or more likely the mixed up firing of its fucked up nervous system currently overloaded with the pain of being freshly gutted and diced up into a bite sized pieces.  The legs of the squid still feature fully functioning suction cups that will grip the platter when you try to pick them up and continue to suck furiously after you pop it in your mouth while flipping off it’s still animated eyes with the double bird just because you want to be a douche.  After you’ve eaten a fair amount of the body, the restaurant will often take the still moving remains away to be battered and fried.

Verdict.  Often times I’ve wondered to myself if there was a food I could enjoy while eating it in front of the still conscious dying animal.  Well problem sovled!

Overall raw squid is low on my list of raw foods to eat, but I generally make an exception here because it’s not expensive, maybe $15, and screw squid and other high functioning cephalopods.  It’s very fresh, obviously, and is honestly the best way to eat raw squid. (As long as you don’t care about karma…)

6. Mentaiko (めんたい子)

This little delicacy comes to Japan from Korea and is famous in Fukuoka where I live.  The name comes from the Korean word for pollock, “mentai,” and the Japanese word for child, “ko.”  It’s pollock roe served to you while still in sitting in the ovaries of their long dead mother.

Yes, its soft and squishy!

The most popular form of this is spicy mentaiko.  The recipe differs depending on the preparer, but it involves marinating the egg filled ovaries in chili, sake, seaweed, yuzu or vinegar, maybe a special soup stock.  It is eaten raw typically with rice or in onigiri, but is sometimes it’s cooked in the microwave, baked on top of bread, and tossed in pasta.

Verdict:  If eating raw marinated fish eggs doesn’t sound like something you’d willingly do, then this might not be the dish for you.  It’s not bad and when compared with eating white rice plain, then I’ll take the spicy fish egg topping everytime.

Quite a few of my friends will not eat this though.  Something about the ovaries maybe, or the little popping sensation as you chew through thousands of aborted fish just seems too Japanese to them.

I recommend trying it though.  They’re spicy with a lot of savory flavors that presently surprise you.  And you can pretend you’re the shark version of Jack the Ripper.

5.  Natto (なっとう)

Typical reaction from foreigners.

This is a very Japanese food, indigenous to the country and if you know anything about Japanese food then you were probably waiting for this one to come up.  It’s gained a lot of infamy in the gaijin circles, replacing earthworms as the go to “I dare you to eat this…” food.

A brief history lesson as conveyed to me by a very drunk oyaji (old man) in a small sunaku (Snack, a popular type of private bar where hot girls are paid to sit and talk to you and serve you alcohol).  A long time ago some soldiers were boiling some soybeans to feed to their horses.  They get attacked, so they packed up their beans in straw and ran away.  A few days later they remember their horse food, so they unpack their straw packs to find that the beans have fermented and look rather strange and smell rather strange.  Naturally they put the strange stuff in their mouth and being that it’s war and their last meal probably consisted of some frogs and grasshoppers they enjoy the flavor.  Voila!  From horse food to Japanese soul food natto was born!

The first time I tried natto I spit it out and told my Japanese girlfriend and her family they could all go to hell.  It smells like the gooey stuff you find in the back of a high school gym locker that was probably once a yogurt cup and a jock strap.  As far as consistency goes it’s like chewing on soft beans drenched in snot that’s had some time to congeal.

The second time I was offered natto was with my students as part of a school lunch.  I tried eating it, but only got about half my cup down in the allotted time and the 15 year old girls gathered around and asked me how went on living without testicles.

The 3rd time I made the student next to me eat it.

The 4th time I was ravenously hungry because I had skipped dinner the night before as well as breakfast that morning for perfectly innocent reasons.  I groaned when the natto came out, but I still scarfed it down like Oprah unleashed in a Krispy Kreme or really hungry African children thankful for any food at all.  Ouch, my conscience…

Verdict:  If you read my pleasant description and think that’s something you’d put in your mouth then I need to reevaluate my writing.  I have heard people describing eating it is akin to eating a very pungent cheese.  I don’t know what Swiss hole they crawled out of, but let me make this absolutely clear… Natto is nothing like any cheese you know of.  To even associate something as fantastic as cheese with natto should earn that person a bitch slap every time they even pass the dairy section at the grocery store.

or a flying crane kick…

Now, the kicker is I will eat natto willingly.  I don’t go out of my way for it except for that one time… but it’s passable as food for me and apparently is super healthy.  I don’t really care about the health factors because apparently anything that tastes like crap is immediately healthy for you.  Natto is an acquired taste, yes, but you should try some because it’s part of the Japanese experience.  Yes, I wouldn’t eat it if it hadn’t been forced upon me on a regular basis my first year in Japan, but I did it and so can you!

4.  Basashi (馬さし)

I realize that horses are beautiful and majestic creatures.  They’re seen as work companions and friends to some (or part of the reason Scrubs Med School sucked so much).  I have several friends who are into equestrian activities and will probably not speak to me for even discussing this, and to them I will apologize.  I’m sorry Pam and Ann.

To be fair to me, when I ate it, I was told it was “pony” by my girl friend’s drunk uncle.  And since when do we give a shit about ponies?  They aren’t really useful for much besides toting Lembras bread for lazy hobbits and being what young girls fantasize about before they become interested in boy bands.

barf!

Ba means “horse” and sashi is a shortening for “sashimi.”  This is eating raw horse.  To be fair to Japan, realize that horse is consumed in much greater quantities by other godless countries like China (#1), Mexico (#2), Kazakhstan (#3, really no surprise after watching Borat), and Italy (#6, again no surprise).

Now, basashi refers to the red meat of the horse eaten raw.  While it feels slightly like eating a dog to me (which I HAVEN’T done), it’s not totally unlike eating beef tartar, which I do guilt free.  The reason horsies rank as high as number 4 on my list is because I’ve also been convinced to eat raw horse liver, like this:

Here horsie horsie horsie… I need to borrow some liver!

Cow liver isn’t that great, and I’ve eaten that raw; it has a strange aftertaste to it.  And raw chicken liver and raw fish liver aren’t too bad either.  Horse liver, actually had less of an aftertaste than cow, but it was more difficult to eat simply because of the amount of blood there was left on my chopsticks afterwards.

this might be a slight exaggeration

Verdict:  If you’re squeamish about eating horse, eating liver, or having blood on your eating utensils then for god’s sake don’t eat horse liver sashimi.

If you’re interested in any of those things they give it a try.  It’s not an expensive food or difficult to find.  Kumammoto prefecture is famous for its horse meat and sad little girls who like ponies.

3. Odori ebi (踊りエビ)

This can be translated as “dancing shrimp.”  In the event that watching your awabi suffer horribly as you watched with anticipation, or if prying your squids tentacles off the platter as it clung on to the last bits of life by watching you consume it’s appendages, if that wasn’t enough to satiate your twisted desires that are just south of a full fledged dining sociopath, then this is the meal for you.

so I like to laugh like a madman when I eat. BFD..

Let me paint you a picture.  Perched on a rocky shore is an onsen (traditional Japanese bathing house).  You wash your body while watching the waves break against the stones below.  The air smells of salt.  A light fall drizzle begins to fall, cold little pricks on your body still steaming from the hot bath.  Toweling off you go to your room where tables have been set up for a wonderful meal.  They bring out fresh red snapper sashimi, small sea snails cooked in a sweet soy sauce, crabs the size of your dinner plate and small little covered bowls.  Curious you lift the cover off the bowl and are greeted with a pair of large shrimp resting in a light saline and sake solution.

Verdict:  I’ve always enjoyed fishing.  But having to literally kill my own food that periodically attempts to escape and prepare it myself isn’t something I look forward to when I sit down to eat.  The shrimp were pretty spry still.  Occasionally one would jump up out of the bowl and then try crawling off to hide underneath the empty discarded crab shells.

To prepare them you have to break them in half separating the tail from the thorax section.  Rudimentary knowledge of shrimp anatomy is helpful here.  Then you have to peal the shell off the tail before you are able to finally dip it in soy sauce and wasabi and enjoy it like the little monster you’ve become.  If you’re fast enough you can even finish as the head is still trying to crawl to safety and like the squid earlier you and treat it to the double bird remix style.

She’s so talented!

Bottom line, I love shrimp, even certain types of raw shrimp, but this experience traumatized me.  Not so much killing and dismembering shrimp, but the way my girlfriend did it with a cold distant look in her eyes as she told me what she would do to my manhood if I ever tried to leave her.

Love you too honey!

2.  Namako (ナマコ)

There are two common names for this sea critter in the English language.  One, would suggest that it could indeed be considered edible, the other would suggest it might be some type of aquatic garden pest.  For the sake of shock value let’s do away with the name sea cucumber and from here on out we will refer to namako as sea slug…

fresh ナマコ

Not a lot of people I know would pull one of these cuddly little guys out of the water and instantly think of popping it in their mouth.  But indeed, in China they eat quite a bit of sea slug in a dried form, which I have never tried.  In nature, sea slugs remain generally low on the list of things hungry sea creatures eat.  Part of this is thanks to excellent camouflage; part of this is thanks to the fact that the skin of most is lightly poisonous and not tasty.

Of course in Japan we eat them raw.

This is a food that’s eaten as part of the traditional New Years food.  It’s sliced into half centimeter thick slices and served in small bowls with vinegar, soy sauce, and crushed red pepper.    It’s got a slight aftertaste and is slimy, soft, yet dense at the same time making it difficult to chew.

I’m beginning to think this world hunger thing might be more of an issue of we won’t eat the same crazy crap as the Japanese…

Verdict:  Why did we become the default natural predator of some brainless sea creature that literally no one else wants to mess with?  Just goes to show that nothing is safe from a hungry Japanese person.

When it was served to me I looked at it and thought to myself, this looks like a pile of cut up sea slug.  I asked the Japanese people what it was and they told me namako, but aside from its Japanese name they didn’t really know much about the creature.

If you are unlucky enough to be offered this you can be polite, try a little nibble and then smile, cock your head to the side and when your host says, “amari?” just shyly smile and nod your head.  They’ll laugh, you’ll laugh, and you won’t have to touch it again.  Or you can be rude and tell them you don’t eat shit that looks like demon poop.

1. Shirako (白子)

Lets play a game.

Shira means “white.”

Ko, if you remember from mentaiko, means child or children.

What food could “white children” represent?

Figure it out?

Yes?

Really?

You think you know?

Well, if you guessed sperm then you’re right!  Congrats!!!?

Sperm from a cod fish, (hopefully the actual fish, not the former captain of the Jolly Roger and nemesis of Peter Pan), is readily available in most izakaya bars in Japan.  Typically it’s eaten raw with some soy sauce and citrus.

Got a little captain in ya?

I think as a westerner I’m sexist when it comes to what I’ll put in my mouth.  I’ll eat chicken eggs, salmon eggs, pheasant eggs, pollock eggs… but tell me to put some sperm of anything in my mouth and I balk.  Call it homophobic if you will, but eating seminal fluid doesn’t fit into my manly persona.

Verdict:

But wait Matt!  Isn’t this a list of strange foods you’ve eaten in Japan?

Fuck… walked right into that one…  Yes.  I have eaten it.  And Yes, I looked at it and asked the women I was with, “What is this?”

They replied, “Shirako.”

From now on I refer to my sperm as “my little white children.”

“What’s shirako?” I pressed.

They held a little conference amongst themselves and after much discussion they claimed, “We don’t know.  It’s from a fish.  Fish eggs.”

Hmmmm… I thought to myself.  White fish eggs?  When most of the fish eggs I’ve eaten have been of an orange or pink or blackish color?  And the name… I understood that it meant “white children.”  Still against my better judgement I ate some of the flavorless white goop.  The girls broke out in a series of little giggles that sounded like sparrows.

“Do you like it?” they asked me grinning.

“Meh, not much flavor,” I answered honestly.

“Is it delicious?” they pressed.

At this point it was painfully obvious that I had just eaten a load of some fish’s jizz.  Stupid little cute Japanese girls… I directed the conversation back at them.  “Well, to make things clear this is the first time I’ve ever eaten it.  But it looks like you ladies have more than a little experience swallowing this stuff?”

Okay.  So if you are a woman, or if you like eating sperm, or if you are open minded, then shirako is something you should definitely try.   If you’re cornered and have to try some on a dare or to impress your boss or something, then just loosen your jaw, think about Denise Richards in Wild Things and… gulp!

Runners up to this list:
Squid ink pasta

Pancake juice

Sea urchin roe

and Whale…

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